🌿How do we define wellbeing?

and why do we so often get it wrong?

By Matthew

Recently I was invited a school to deliver an assembly on the topic of wellbeing as an introduction to my proposed programme being integrated into the school's curriculum. I was asked if I wanted to stay a meet a form teacher who had been one of the school's most vocal advocates for a more in depth wellbeing curriculum.

Proceeding my assembly, the teacher asked her form class what it meant to be well', which I thought was a thought-provoking question for discussion to ask after listening to what I had to say . One student said sarcastically, “It’s when you don’t have a cold. A hesitant smatter of laughter bounced around the classroom. Another added, “It’s when you’re not sad", which I could see was a loose reflection of what they had absorbed just half an hour before in the school hall. Then, one boy, after a long pause, said quietly, “It’s when you feel like yourself again.”

That last answer captures something that definitions often miss — that wellbeing isn’t just the absence of problems; it’s the presence of something deeper and more alive.

🌱 Beyond “Feeling Fine”

When people think about wellbeing, they often picture happiness — smiling faces, calm minds, maybe a yoga mat or a walk in nature. While those things can be part of wellbeing, psychologists and wellbeing practitioners see it as something broader.

The World Health Organization defines wellbeing as “a state of complete physical, mental and social wellbeing — not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”

To me this isn't the most helpful definition. It is almost like describing a cat as being "cat-like". Or maybe more helpfully, it is a definition that tries to recognise that wellbeing doesn't just encompass our own physicality. However, if I was to dig deeper for what I think was trying to be implied, I would say:

Wellbeing isn’t about being perfect or always happy. It’s about feeling balanced, connected, and able to grow — even when life is hard.

This I think is crucially important as a message for, not just students, but more so for adults: wellbeing and resilience are inextricably linked together. This concept is something taught within our iheart courses, and always seems to be well-received and understood by the young people in the sessions. Yet, not always is this so easily digested by the staff or parents sitting in the classroom.

Staff and parents both share a deep desire to look after the children in their care, regardless. For many it is an ingrained part of who they are, for parents it is often described as innate. Parents may find themselves smothering their children will good, positive experiences in an attempt for their child, in their eyes, to 'boost their wellbeing'. However, children I find see it better than adults that a life lived is not to avoid all possible pain and conflict. To live well is to be resilient to the trials and tribulations of life.

It may seem an obvious point written down in words; one that gently reflects Buddhist teaching that life is suffering, but it is amazing to witness how frequently I experience caregivers struggling to see wellbeing as a constant dance between struggle and contentment , but crucially with the knowledge that whatever happens in life, that wellbeing remains constant within them. It is innate within us all.

💬 A Moment on the Train

A friend once told me a story about a day that changed how she thought about wellbeing. She was on a packed train after a long, stressful day, exhausted and scrolling through her phone. An older woman sitting nearby gently touched her arm and said,

“You look like you’re carrying a lot. Remember to breathe.”

At first it startled my friend as her head was buried in her phone. She felt triggered. What right did this stranger have to comment on her outward appearance? Just before she lambasted the lady with a curt response, she turned to see the older lady was not a threat but a wise sage offering a moment of recalibration my friend knew deep down she really needed. It wasn’t therapy. It wasn’t advice. It was just connection. And for a moment, she told me, she felt her own shoulders drop, her breathing slowed, and something softened inside her.

That’s the quiet power of wellbeing: it can appear in the simplest of human moments — a shared smile, a pause, a breath. A reorientation to our set point.

🧠 The Science of Wellbeing

Psychologists often describe wellbeing in two key ways:

1. Hedonic wellbeing – the pursuit of pleasure and comfort (feeling good).

2. Eudaimonic wellbeing – the pursuit of meaning and personal growth (being good).

Both matter, of course. We need joy and laughter, but also purpose and resilience. Eating ice cream on a sunny day can boost our hedonic wellbeing; volunteering, learning a new skill, or caring for someone can nourish our eudaimonic wellbeing.

Martin Seligman, one of the founders of positive psychology, framed wellbeing through the PERMA model, which stands for:

• Positive emotions

• Engagement (being “in the zone”)

• Relationships

• Meaning

• Accomplishment

  
  

These five pillars remind us that wellbeing is multi-dimensional — not something we achieve once, but something we build continually through habits, choices, and connections.

💫 So What Does It Really Mean to “Be Well”?

Perhaps the most honest answer is that wellbeing is deeply personal. For one person, it might mean feeling safe and supported; for another, it might mean creative flow or spiritual peace.

It’s dynamic, too — it shifts with life’s seasons. There will be times when “being well” means chasing dreams and energy, and others when it simply means resting, asking for help, or letting yourself be enough.

🌻 A Reflection to End With

Take a moment to ask yourself:

• When do I feel most like myself?

• What helps me feel connected to others?

• What do I need — not to be perfect, but to be well enough today?

Your answers might change over time, and that’s okay. Wellbeing isn’t a destination — it’s a relationship with yourself that you nurture, one moment at a time.